Honestly I Think He's Lying to Himself
by idkgirl27
Summary: "I don't really get what's up with Butters since he does actually seem to like me but I guess it was just a matter of time before someone realized how f-cking amazing I am and even if he's the only one to see it so far that's at least got to count for something." Cartman's POV and just like always I'm implying Buttman


**A/N: Hello, hello!**

**Well this here is just an idea that I've had for the longest time but just never got around to writing and now that I have well…..**

**It's up to you if you want to read because this turned out kinda long and is pretty much me rambling about Butters from Cartman's POV (and we all know that Cartman is just a cute lil bundle of sunshine and hope) but if you do then here you go.**

**Please read and please enjoy :)**

***Okay so at some point in this fic Cartman will try and tell you that he does have a 'hot bod'. Just so ya'll know that's just another word for fluffy.***

Goddamnit.

I swear it's not what it looks like.

I was just sitting here on my couch, watching my tv when stupid ass Butters fell asleep. This little shithead still hasn't learned a damn thing. It's like he actually trusts me or something. Then not only is he stupid enough to fall asleep next to me he then had to take it up a notch and fall asleep **on **me.

Yeah, you heard me right.

While I'm just sitting here minding my own business I've suddenly got this gaywad attaching himself to me. His fucking head is on my shoulder and he's fucking cuddling me.

Oh god, he's such a fucking fag.

I told him not to come over if all he's going to do is sleep but of course he doesn't listen to me.

This kid is fucking hopeless.

Seriously, Butters is like the fucking definition of hopeless. If you looked up hopeless in a dictionary you'd see a picture of his dumbass face with that goddamn smile of his.

It's a goddamn miracle that someone as ditzy as Butters has survived this long in South Park.

At least there's some good to his existence.

Yeah, Butters is a fucking idiot and can be annoying as hell but he makes a decent enough accomplice. I can do practically anything to him and he stills comes right back to me every single time.

Another okay thing is that he's actually pretty warm for being the scrawny gaywad that he is. Not that it was very cold in here to begin with but I'm not about to complain about the extra body heat when it's fucking snowing outside.

Really though how is he so warm if he's so fucking scrawny? I mean, my hot bod keeps the cold away but Butters is just skin and bones.

Maybe if he actually ate something he could fucking grow an inch or two and fill out more. Seriously he's smaller than most girls at our school and that's just plain pathetic. It's not that his size doesn't have its advantages because I can have him sneak around and since he's so small no one ever notices him. The thing is that the attention he does attract is mostly negative. When you're as wimpy looking as Butters there's always some dick looking to take advantage of him. I've always got to keep an eye on him just to make sure that someone doesn't steal him away for their own use. It's pretty goddamn obvious that he's mine so I don't know why other people think that they can just take him and do whatever the hell they please with him because that's not how it works. Butters isn't for sale and he's not just someone that I'm about to lend to just anyone. Seriously I found him first, he's mine, and everyone else just has to deal with it. It's not my fault that the perfect minion decided to belong to me.

Well, looks like things just got worse.

The twerp is fucking shivering now and I don't mean just a little. It's like a full-body shiver that he has going on. He's fucking warm as hell so how is he still cold?

I don't get him sometimes.

I still haven't completely wrapped my head around the fact that he actually has the nerve to fall asleep on me. Does he really think that I'm just going to let him sleep undisturbed? I know that I haven't exactly done anything to teach him a lesson yet but past experience should be enough of a lesson for him.

That's another thing on my list of things that I don't understand about Butters.

How can he still be so fucking gullible even after everything that I've put him through?

I'm pretty fucking talented at a lot of things if you ask me but one thing that I haven't learned is mind control.

Like I said earlier, Butters is like my own personal assistant but here's the thing.

I didn't even have to force him.

That's right Butters is willingly my slave. I didn't have to threaten him in any way or blackmail him. I didn't have to lay a finger on this kid and he just follows and listens to every word I say.

It's not that he bends over for just anyone either. Butters is like actually selective about who he listens to and I think it's safe to say that I'm at the top of his list. I've actually seen him say no to people, not that they really listen to him when he does say that but that's usually when I have to step in and tell them to fuck off. So it's not like this is all one sided because I keep him away from the people that he wants nothing to do with and in return he's in servitude to me.

I don't really get what's up with Butters since he does actually seem to like me but I guess it was just a matter of time before someone realized how fucking amazing I am and even if he's the only one to see it so far that's at least got to count for something.

Anyways Butters is a dumbass, he's fucking pathetic, and he's such a goddamn fairy that I can't believe it sometimes. At least he's not jewish or something but still Butters being Butters is just asking for trouble. What kind of name is Butters, anyways? Yeah, I know that his real name is Leopold but that's not better either. I mean, come on, it's like his parents were expecting a dipshit for a son.

That's another thing Butters' stupidass parents are always trying to get in my way. They're always grounding him and locking him away and then I have to go through the trouble of breaking him out and getting him back home in one piece. They really should be thanking me because if it wasn't for me then their son would probably just waste away in his room dying of boredom. It's not like anyone else is knocking at their door and picking him up to do anything with.

I actually take time out of my day to include him and since it benefits me I guess it's just a fucking win-win situation. I have a whole town full of idiots that I could be using. Yeah, most of them hate me but that's because they're way too fucking dramatic and can't take a joke but they were options too. Butters is just the most practical choice. He's smart but still dumb enough to do what I say without question, he does actually have some talents, plus he can be pretty convincing when I need him to be because, really, who's going to say no to someone who looks like a preteen girl? I mean I can be pretty convincing but he actually looks innocent enough to make people believe anything he says.

Apparently the reason he helps me is because I'm his friend. I can't fucking stand that word. We're not friends or anything even close to that. I just think that it's beneficial to our, how should I put this, 'situation' for us to spend time together that's not related to scheming. Like today was just supposed to be the two of us hanging out, just watching tv, that was until he fell asleep but, you know, whatever. Point is that we're not friends. I just hate putting labels on myself. If I do something it's because I want to do it not because I'm a certain way. Either way I'm screwed because whenever I tell people that we're not friends then some asshole, usually Kyle or Kenny, will start making jokes about us being gay. I know it might look like that right nor but I already said that _this_ is Butters cuddling me.

We're not fucking together in any sort of way. Butters is gay, that's for fucking sure, but I'm obviously not. Besides I don't have time to worry about 'relationships'. I've got my own life to deal with plus Butters because like I said he's hopeless.

Butters couldn't take care of himself if his life depended on it. I'm doing him a fucking favor whenever I tell him to do something. What he needs is direction and I've got plenty to give to him just as long as he's willing to listen and if he's not it only takes a little bit of me reminding him why it is that I'm the one who wears the pants in the relationship, even though we're not in a relationship…

Whatever what matters is that I'm in charge and Butters is my bitch.

Damn you'd think he's a fucking vibrator if you could feel how badly he's shaking. Like I said before it's not even that cold he's just that much of a pussy.

No.

Nope.

I'm not putting up with this little fucker's bullshit anymore.

There's no way I'm just going to let him shake and shiver all over me.

I grab onto his shoulders, which are fucking bony as fuck by the way, and push him off of me until he's back to leaning on the couch. I really don't want him waking up because if he does then I'll have to deal with his yappy mouth so I do my best to do it slowly and for a moment I think I might be home free. He's sinking back into the couch, curling into a ball, and he's still doing that weird thing where he breathes through his mouth in little huffs.

I always thought the way he looks when he's sleeping was the funniest shit ever but when I posted a video of it online all I got was a bunch of comments from people talking about him being, and this is their word not mine, 'cute'.

What the fuck?

I mean, yeah, Butters is a total pussy but he's still a guy and guy's aren't supposed to be 'cute'.

Cute is for like for cats and cupcakes and just not for anything with a dick.

Believe it or not Butters does in fact have a dick.

I didn't believe it but I guess I can be wrong about things too.

Anyways I'm done talking about Butters' dick and about him being cute. In fact I don't even want to look at him right now.

I get up and walk over to the hallway closet and pull out the first blanket I see. It's one that Butters left here a couple of weeks ago and even though it looks gay as fuck, or maybe because it looks gay as fuck, it literally is the softest blanket I've ever felt in my life. I don't use because it's got baby ducks and other baby shit on it but I'll admit to touching it every now and then. Point is a blanket like this isn't for someone as manly and buff as me it's more for someone like Butters who's pretty much the exact opposite of all of that.

When I get back to the couch I see him sitting up and looking at me or, at least, trying to look at me. The little dipshit is still half asleep. His hair is sticking up everywhere, his eyes are barely open, and he's even got a little bit of drool at the corner of his lips.

"Eric…"

I roll my eyes and throw the blanket at him it lands perfectly and covers him up making him look like one of the ghost costumes that people make from sheets.

"Go back to sleep, Butters."

He pulls at the blanket and looks at it for a moment before staring back up at me. His eyes might not be opened all the way but they still manage to do that gayass sparkling thing that they always do.

I know what the little fucker wants from me.

He wants me to sit back down so he can cuddle or something.

Look I'll prove to all of you that Butters is and always will be the faggest fag in all of fagville.

I sit down on the couch sitting as far away from him as possible and just like I predicted he crawls over to me throwing the blanket over the both of us and leaning against me to rest his head on my chest, he snuggles a little closer and when I can hear his mouth-breathing thing again then I know that he's fallen right back asleep.

See, I told you so.

I told you that Butters would do this.

Whatever.

Like I said Butters is an annoying little stereotype, a fucking perfect example of what not to be, and yet I still put up with him.

That has to prove that I'm not all bad.

Anyways it looks like I'm going to be putting up with all of Butters' shit for the rest of my life because like I said earlier despite all of this gayness that seems to be radiating from him he still has some uses and if I don't watch out for him who will? No one will and that's exactly my point. So I'll just do Butters this lifelong favor of taking care of him so he can be around to take my orders.

You all should probably thank me too.

Yeah, you, the person sitting in front of the screen because if it wasn't for me taking in this bundle of rainbows and butterflies and every other gay thing you can think of then you'd have Butters running around this world making a mess out of everything. Don't act like I'm not doing you a favor by keeping Butters out of society because not only would he not last a second out there in the real world he'd probably annoy the shit out of all of you too.

So yeah thank me.

**A/N: Geez, I'm guessing that if you're reading this then you also read the whole fic. So thanks for sticking around and reading all of Cartman's most inner thoughts.**

**He really is a little dick bag ain't he?**

**Seriously though if Cartman doesn't want Butters I'll take him. Butters is quite literally the most fucking adorable thing ever. Seriously.**

**Also Cartman can call Butters stupid looking but deep down he thinks Butters is cute when he's asleep and secretly he likes all the cuddling.**

**So once again thanks for reading and reviews earn you love 3 3 3**

**Thanks 3**


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